小迦

The night you showed me the Orion Belt was almost 5 years ago. That was when I fell in love with Sagittarius, and fell in love with November. I am not an astrology person and the Orion Belt are the only stars that I can recognize in the enormously beautiful sky.

It was an incredibly romantic yet heartbreaking story of 3 stars, or rather 3 hearts; 3 hearts that hurt one another, but also loved one another. I still remembered the story vividly, as I met someone recently who constantly reminded me of you and I knew that I never moved on from the story, the hatred and the sorrow. So I said bye to that person although I felt hurt badly. Tears were uncontrollable, and every time I cried at night, I felt that I cried part of my soul out too. Nevertheless, with the kind of pathetic life, I felt the care and concern from people that I expected the least from. And I thought that was really enough.

I want to be happy, and keep smiling. So I am going to airport today (later at night), on my fav day's eve. Life is in blossom, as long as you know how to appreciate every minutes you are with your beloved ones. :)

Finally, I understand that why I always have nightmares. In my dreams, I am always escaping, trying to run away from something, or murdering people. I need to run away from the married men, the indecisive men, the Can-not-make-it men,  the men who don't know what they want, and the men who know what they want but I am not part of their future plan.

Please don't waste my time any more if you don't treat me seriously or respect me.

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

I got gloss on my lips, a man on my hips
Got me tighter in my Dereon jeans
Acting up, drink in my cup
I can care less what you think

I need no permission, did I mention
Don't pay him any attention
Cause you had your turn and now you gonna learn
What it really feels like to miss me

Cause if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Don't be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it
Oh, oh, oh

Don't treat me to the things of the world
I'm not that kind of girl
Your love is what I prefer, what I deserve

Here's a man that makes me then takes me
And delivers me to a destiny, to infinity and beyond
Pull me into your arms, say I'm the one you own
If you don't, you'll be alone
And like a ghost Ill be gone

I just wish life is really simple so that I don't need to worry too much.
Too many possibilities to compute, too many confusions to clarify.
If love is a razor that leaves everyone's soul to bleed, can I stay away from it?? hmm.. Far far away.
Sometimes I wish there is a bullet-proof jacket for love, so we all don't get hurt for loving wholeheartedly.
Enough of naive thoughts. and come back to the reality, girl!

Work has been quite a big mass recently, a lot of changes, a lot of friends leaving. Everyone is worried about his future career advancement, and everyone is sourcing for the best opportunities available. I stand still, feeling lost and slack about what I really want in terms of career. Maybe I have grown less ambitious over the years. All I want now is just a happy family with a lot of lovely kids; a stable income that feeds my kids well; and a job without much OT so that it does not hinder me from meeting my dear friends and babes.

Oh, maybe I am asking too much too.  haiz..

在你离开的第一个晚上失眠了。我控制自己的思念，默默承受着。我也不是18岁的女孩，也知道这样的情绪只不过是一朝一夕。可是，我还是这样不自觉的慢慢陷进去。忘了自己的存在，忘了现实的残酷。
是否今生愿意，陪我一阵。横竖你也是得一个人。

'Have you fallen in love before?' 'Fallen in love means you want to see him everyday; you want to talk to him every minute'.

You are like the massive black hole, that sucks everything in including me. It's the first time I feel such an enormous gravity pull.

好久没有写了。只是不想纪录自己萎靡不振的心情。生命的意义已经演化成了工作的烦琐和遇到形形色色不顺利的人和事。
然而生命有别于生存，我想写下一页宏伟的历史篇章，却默默的被时间的流水腐蚀了棱角。安逸的生活，只让我在自己狭隘的空间更加彷徨。如果你看的到人生的终点，你能够预知以后的每一条路，你还会起跑加速吗？

身边的朋友，诸多亦陷在这样的惶恐中。故乡，那个永远回不去的地方，已经在记忆中越走越远。我们承载着如何的信念，如何的压抑，蔓无目的的流浪着。

记忆中，每每送我去机场的男人，都不会去机场接我回来。
无论我在家逗留多久，少至两个礼拜，多达三个月。
我总是会一个人孤单的走出新加坡的arrival hall。
就如同每年的生日，我都会害怕如２１岁生日般凄惨。
仿佛命运已在我身上种下了一个又一个的魔咒，
而我也该放弃挣扎了。

亲朋好友说你应该多装扮自己这样才能吸引异性。
是否人一辈子只为追求一张梦寐以求的容颜？
我真的没有想到在完成学业，工作顺利的当儿，
却要背负起下一个包袱。
生活啊，你放过我吧，我真的喘不过气来。

小迦来新加坡已经有10年了。
原来时间的计算单位升级到了两位数。

昨天去学开车的时候，八戒师父（我给我的instructor起的外号。另外一个叫唐僧，因为非常的Naggy) 提起他会一点日文，原因是以前曾交过一个在Japan Airline做空姐的女友。于是我非常不屑的说，‘师父，我已经25岁了，你不要拿这种骗小孩子的故事来搪塞我。’ 师父非常认真的说，‘我没有骗你啦。’ 于是我问，‘你那时几岁？’ 师父说，‘28 了。’ 我不禁遥遥头，师父，你怎么那么大了还搞这种不切实际的恋爱。然后故作老成的叹息。师父突然默不作声，我就加了一句，你们在一起多久。师父说，一年。我说，‘那你最长的一段r/s是多久。’ 师父顿了许久，才吐出两个字，‘10年。’

瞬间，陈奕讯10年这首歌突然在耳边响起。一阵感伤。于是我十分八卦的又挖了一些内幕。原来师父和那个女人从17岁就在一起了，27岁的时候分手。因为有一个pilot一直追求那个女人。可是女人也没有和那个pilot在一起很久，而选择了另外一个pilot而结婚了。提起她结婚的时候，师父一向嬉皮笑脸的模样也当然无寸。他今年37了。花了10年的时间浪费在一个对自己没有信心的女人身上，再用另外10年去忘记这段感情，或许还要更长的时间来忘记她。以他迄今为止还单身的事实来看，那个女人绝对铭心刻骨。

当时的我心中非常的沉重。不禁又想起了以前的男朋友，还起看他的fb. 在想，如果他要结婚的时候，我又是什么样的心情。写到这里的时候，我忍不住啜泣一下。但又不禁庆幸自己从来没有太久的r/s，要不然以自己这种放不下的烂性格，都不知道该对‘背叛’如何看开。

你有没有一个10年的故事，一个让连旁人都想为你落泪的故事？

成熟男人的魅力，
仿佛陈年的酿酒，你在不经意时，就能嗅到那淡淡的沉香。
他注视着你的时候，嘴角总是带着笑意，
无论你生气，说笑，抱怨，惊喜，他都一样内敛的笑容；而在他的面前，你永远是个长不大的女孩。
成熟男人的魅力，
仿佛汪洋的大海，你永远都看不透，那淡蓝色忧郁下隐藏着什么样的故事。
他不会喋喋不休的问关于你的一切，也不会在众人面前侃侃而谈。
他的缄默让人觉得神秘，而你永远有这么多的问题和想要了解他的关心。
成熟男人的魅力，
在于他毫不费力的洞悉你心思的细节，嘘寒问暖只看他愿不愿意。
他对你的付出，疼多余爱，你明知他对女人驾轻就熟，可你还是不得不沉迷于他的绅士风度。

而这样的男人往往身后有个家庭。
附上这一首歌 saving all my love for you.
p.s 千万不要误会我在花痴某位已婚人士。哈哈。只是最近接触老男人比较多，所以略品一番。


A few stolen moments is all that we share
You've got your family, and they need you there
Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list
But no other man's gonna do
So I'm saving all my love for you

It's not very easy, living all alone
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own
But each time I try, I just break down and cry
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue
So I'm saving all my love for you

从来没有想过，我会在一家露天咖啡店，独自享用晚餐。因为以前的我总是那么怕在别人面前暴露自己的寂寞。一个人，一张桌子，两张椅子，路过的人都会朝我撇一眼，而我曾经非常畏惧那样的眼神，畏惧那眼神里带着怜悯。渐渐地，长大了也愈加明白如果孤独不能避免，畏惧还不如享受来的潇洒。

最近读书的欲望非常浓烈，总是有好多的certification想要考。于是把吃了一半的晚餐放在一旁，啃起了书来。这是走过来一个身材纤瘦的女生，背着书包，拿着一叠notes，所定了我身旁的座位。我心里一乐，原来有志同道合的人。5分钟后，一个帅哥走过来，径直在我身旁的那张桌子坐下。我心里一沉，诶～ 只是他俩一直没有说话，各自读着自己手中的读本。然后那女的离开乐座位，开始书包还在。在她消失的30分钟里，那个男生一直心神不定的看着书时而东张西望。期间路过一个美女，他一直盯着她看直至那美女反瞪了他一眼。最后他的女伴终于回来了，拿起书包就走，丝毫没有等待他的意思。那帅哥也就匆忙的收起书包，狼狈的跟着走了。

我心情大好。突然觉得，还是一个人读书比较自在。