Well, there are always things in my memory that has never gone lost.

The first time I saw the jigsaw shop, I was at the kopitiam, sitting directly opposite the shop. I saw some displayed jigsaws and I sensed that it could be from there. and the second time i stepped into the shop, i found it. The jigsaw that he bought for me, something that I asked him to buy, not entirely materialistic, but meaningful. So he chose a jigsaw coz he said he wanna spend the last few days on making a memorable gift for me before I left for home.

fortunately, or unfortunately, the jigsaw turns out to be truly memorable. I had always missed it ever after I came back from SEP, but he simply refused to return it to me. And one day, I suddenly realized that things that I always wanted the most in life are those I can't get. And so i told him: 'actually I can survive without their presence although I thought I could not. You and the jigsaw. '

So is gone, the jigsaw. Forever. When certain item is associated to 'forever', naturally people will start to miss it. And i find myself do. When I found it in the jigsaw shop, I almost wanted to buy it, $71.25. But I thought about it again, even I bought it home, I would not have the patience to put the pieces all together again. Just like how shattered the memory that once was sweet, and there is no way that one can put the pieces back again.

Suddenly it reminds me that when I stepped into a girl's room, and saw a half-completed jigsaw lying on her floor. She sweetly told me that her bf bought it for her on her bday and they gonna complete it together. but she would never expect that her bf betrayed her for another girl. and that girl is me. 

Just find love is ironic. Doing jigsaw is sweet and meaningful. Yet, jigsaw is fragile and always in pieces. If you are not careful enough, you may lose one piece that will never form a complete picture again.

By the way, if you think I still have not got over the bastards, you are wrong. I just miss it reason being it will never be mine. but it does not mean that I want it either. There is always a nicer jigsaw in the jigsaw shop.

Work has piled up. I dunno where my future lies in.

Happy for lala, happy for dingding.

But I am sad for myself, for being in a state of desperation and hopelessness.

Was spilled by hot soup today in engine canteen and I didnt know how to reply the guy who kept on saying 'sorry'.

It was not his fault entirely, but my hand really hurt badly. So i refused to look at him and walked off without expression. Only pain on my hands reminded me of my existence.

You just ignored me, like how you had always been doing. This feeling sucks, and I try all my best not to care, but ultimately I think I still do.

Friends around are not being so concerned for me. Maybe my nightmare, nausea, busy schedules, pressure from everywhere else are not severe enough to cause anyone's attention. or maybe I am just demanding too much attention.

All I know is that when all these piled up to a certain height, it gets to resolved by bursting, collapsing, or the lethal way. I had tendency to commit suicide last year, when i was so deeply depressed. I called him and told him that I thought I need to see a doctor. But i think he thought i was joking and didn't really bother afterwards. I always went jogging at nights, hoping to get knocked down by some cars, but thanks for my innate cowardness, I just didnt succeed.

It goes on, as life can always be summarized into. I am still alive.

If i have never joined JCRC, keeping my life occupied, I would never know how my life could carry out. If I have not met my handball girls, I would never know how one should smile. But happiness always comes in a package of imperfections, and it's just like a thorn, a needle, killing me silently.

I am getting weaker, both mentally and physically. People get used to ask for and demand what they think they are entitled to, and I just keep giving in, trying to be sweet, nice and sensitive.

 

then i start wondering, how much you treasure my smile, and why you take it for granted?